It’s Been Two Years: How I Found My Words 

Recently, WordPress reminded me that it’s been two years since I started She’s A Seeker. This was my first ever post. I remember how terrified I was pressing ‘Publish’.

In that time, I’ve quit jobs, been broke, got another job, had my heart broken, moved cities and in with my parents, become a dog mumma, quit yet another job, left my dog (in very loving hands) and the country, to travel. Priorities have changed, my perspectives have completely shifted, and now I feel like the strongest, most authentic version of myself.

But, of course, that’s not quite the start of this story.

I began writing regularly in primary school. It was compulsory for us to keep a journal and depending on how many pages we wrote, we would enter a lucky dip for medals. These medals were tiny pieces of brass with catholic saints carved onto them. The most coveted medal was St Mary, patron saint of our school. Most of us were actually willing to sacrifice our home made lunches and even allowances for her. Kids are so weird and wonderful.

I loved writing, I loved words, I loved books. I still do. I’m that person that seeks out vintage book stores wherever I am so I can be in the company of words. I caress the embossed book covers, smell the inside, and read the personal notes etched onto the pages. I guess, my weird never left me.

My late teens to early 20s went pretty well. At around 24 though I unexpectedly found myself living a life that felt contrived and completely fabricated. I grew unhappy and as I did, I abandoned my words. They terrified me. They held truths my ego was not ready to accept.

As I withdrew from my words, I detached from myself completely. There was so much chaos inside of me, that I existed in this perpetual haze. I no longer knew how I felt, what I believed in and who I was.

I longed for just one thing – my words. It was a constant battle between the incessant need to write and an apparent inability to do so. Some days I would work up the courage, sit at my desk, open my journal, only to experience a sudden urge to be physically ill. There was so much I had to reconcile within me, that I just couldn’t bare it.

I didn’t know how I would do it, I just knew I had to.

I started by turning to the google Gods. On good days, I would type in search terms like “curing writer’s block”, “why can’t I write”, “writing prompts”. Then on other days, it escalated to “what the fuck am I doing” ,”why am I so unhappy”, “how to be happy,”, “should I quit my job”, “why am I such an ungrateful shit”. I came across articles that I guessed were designed to motivate the masses with headlines like “6 things to do that will make you happy” and “9 simple steps to follow your passion”.

After reading these articles and their seemingly simple steps to fixing my life, I actually felt more screwed. I couldn’t even remember happiness, and I was just trying to figure out how to get out of bed most mornings, so you could say I wasn’t passionate about much. I was becoming convinced that I was alone in this experience, and that there was something tragically wrong with me. 

Just as I was resigning myself to this doom, I traversed over to another side of the internet, a side where I felt more at home. I discovered new perspectives, ideas and teachings through other people’s willingness to share their own stories. They spoke and wrote of struggle and perseverance, suffering, acceptance and triumph. Of their fears, doubts, leaps, failures, breakdowns and breakthroughs. They had this innate ability to call a spade a spade and a shit situation, just that. There were no simple steps, in fact, they would reiterate that there was nothing simple about it. 

Their stories pulled me out of my isolation. I grew more understanding and empathetic toward myself. It was through their courage to learn and own their truths, that inspired me to do the same. 

I knew I had to put pen to paper.

At first, it was sporadic. There was so much resistance, the anxiety stronger than ever. Each and every word, came out shaky and hesitant, as if they no longer trusted me. But by then, I had learned that creativity, isn’t easy. It requires effort, commitment, practice, discipline and pushing through the resistance. So, I kept turning up at my desk. I had decided that my words didn’t even have to make sense, they just had to be written.

It was an incredibly arduous, painful journey but my words began to trust me again. They no longer felt judged. Instead, they were welcomed, accepted and celebrated. I didn’t want my words to be like anyone else’s, they were just mine, and it was only my story they would tell. I just kept writing for me. 

Over the course of two years or so, writing again became something I would retreat to, just as I used to as a kid. I would read back my own entries. They told me stories of regrets, fears, disappointments, mistakes and failures. Then gradually, they began to speak of dreams, of love, hope, and faith.

She’s A Seeker was conceived out of my reconciliation with my words and my Self.

My intentions, and my motivations, are just as clear now, as when I started this blog. I write because I need my words more than anyone else does. I write because without my words, I’m not me.

I came here because I wanted to know what it felt to truly belong to me, to own every part of my story, irrespective of its reception. Deep down, I also wanted to pay it forward. My life changed and continues to evolve because of someone else’s willingness to share their truth. I didn’t want to be afraid to share mine.

And as I’ve done so, I’ve been overwhelmed by the continued support I’ve received. I am genuinely grateful for every single one of you for being here. Thank you for sharing your kindness, insight, wisdom, and your most genuine selves with me. It’s your stories of heartbreak, fears, doubts, hope, faith, courage, perseverance, and triumph that inspire me most.

I’m reminded every day, I’m not alone, we are not alone. I’m incredibly proud to belong to this community and I will always feel immense gratitude to have been so welcomed, right from my very first post. 

To my words, thank you for not giving up on me even when I had. Thank you for allowing me to seek and meet with my truth. It’s my promise to you that I will always be willing to show up. 

I wish all of you the very best on your own respective journeys. Power and light to you all.

With immense gratitude and love,

Shruti

She’s A Seeker.

xxxx

 

 

 

 

 

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172 thoughts on “It’s Been Two Years: How I Found My Words 

    1. Thank you Catherine, I’m glad you did too. You’re so incredibly kind. Thank you for creating such a loving and welcoming space where I can express my vulnerability. It means the world xx

      Liked by 2 people

  1. So strong and true… Such a true inspiration for a budding writer like me.. Having gone through google just like you did.. I have just reconciled with my words.. Jus what I needed … thank you for sharing this .. Love the words

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so happy and humbled to know it has helped you. The journey, the process, is one I am learning to be more grateful for. Without the process, there is no progress. Thank you for creating such a supportive space where I can be vulnerable.

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  2. I love the experience that you’ve had and how words have been by your side through it all. In many ways, my experience has been very similar and I’ve also felt I’ve lost myself and my words. There was a time in my life when I couldn’t write to save my life. It was as if this huge wall was within me that wouldn’t let it happen. Thank you for sharing this and for being so authentic. You are an inspiration and motivation for my own life and journey!

    Love to you,
    Cait

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess there are more similarities in us than we realise. You are intrinsically aware and I truly believe that is such a superpower. Your self awareness will guide you, trust in it and your reconciliation with your words will soon arrive. I still have moments where my words do not flow. I feel the resistance, the block. But, I still turn up at my desk, and keep pushing through. It’s the only thing I can do.

      Cait, I commend you for your courage in sharing your absolute truth with me. Your strength further informs mine. You’re an inspiration!

      Lots of love and light to you
      Shruti

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  3. What a wonderful post. I identify with a lot of what you’ve said. Definitely following your blog & look forward to reading more of your words. 🙂

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  4. Wow, you have a beautiful way with words. I resonate so much with everything you said, my journey and intentions are the same. What a beautiful community I finally stumbled on.. thank you for sharing your words 💞

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    1. Thank you Heidi, so lovely of you to say. Isn’t it just such a beautiful place to be? Thank you for making it even better with your kindness and support. Take care of yourself, and best of luck on your journey. Love and light to you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow! Great of you to share that. I suspect many of us have made this, or similar, journeys. As you said it’s wonderful to read someones, to know we are not alone in our ivory towers, quill in hand, that there are others, many others like us. So much of what you said I could relate to. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

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    1. Such sweet words, thank you lovely! I am so happy you can relate, and you certainly are not alone! Sharing my truth is never easy, but it becomes easier because of kind souls like you. Thank you for allowing me the space to continue being honest. I appreciate it. Take care and I wish you all the best on your own journey xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Your words are so honest and inspiring. Thank you for sharing, and helping those of us who are also searching for our own words! ♥

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    1. Thank you for your kindness Vicky. It’s overwhelming to know that my words may be helpful to another soul. I wish you the very best on your own journey darling. Love, power and light to you! You got this!! xoxo

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  7. Fantastic post and so well-written! Having only started blogging recently, I’m intimately close with what you’re describing here with discovering your self and your voice. Keep on making good stuff!

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    1. Thank you, I really appreciate the support. I’m happy my words have resonated. Welcome to WordPress! It’s a beautiful community here. Take care and I wish you all the best!

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  8. “To my words, thank you for not giving up on me even when I had. Thank you for allowing me to seek and meet with my truth. It’s my promise to you that I will always be willing to show up. “
    this. this. this. i have never felt something so deeply than what i feel when i read this. i feel this deep in my heart, my bones, my soul. my god i needed to hear this. you are so needed in this world. thank you for your words. always. 💙💙💙💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so sweet, thank you! I’m always so incredibly humbled when my words resonate with others. You have a beautiful way with words darling. I look forward to reading more. I wish you all the best. Keep at it, you’ve got something so precious to offer. Take care 💗💗💗

      Liked by 1 person

  9. What truthful words and a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing. I am new to this blog world and I am loving coming across so many heart felt outlooks. I look forward to reading more from you 🙂

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    1. Welcome Wendy! I have and continued to discover the most amazing community here. Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it. Take care and I wish you all the best on your blogging Journey xx

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I really enjoyed reading your post. I use to write when I was young and I forgot how helpful it use to be. Your post reminded me of this. Writing is a huge thing that helps many people heal! Its an amazing, beautiful process. Thanks for your insight! Also, thank you for checking out my first post. I truly appreciate it! I hope to continue like you and heal. Keep up the great work!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad that writing helps you as much as it does me. It’s very courageous for you to be sharing your words, your truth to others, but first and foremost yourself. You’re a wonderful writer, keep it up. You will heal and as you do, you will help others to do the same. Power and light to you darling xx

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Whoa! For the most part of it, it felt like I’m reading my own story which I had carefully tried to avoid. But I’m so glad I read this. I am not alone – I knew that, but sometimes, we tend to forget it and you need something to help you to keep going. This was just that.

    I hope, I find peace too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so happy to hear that my words helped you remember. You certainly are not alone Bipin, there are so many of us in the same boat, experiencing such similar discourse.

      I wish you all the best, and I too hope you find the peace you are seeking.

      Take care,
      Shruti

      Liked by 1 person

  12. This so much of this. I write to connect with myself and understand the jumble of thoughts and emotions gowing on in my head. Writing daily then gowing and rereading your life and how far youve come, because sometimes you forget how hard it all really was. Thank you:)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so welcome Terren. I’m happy to know that your words help you the same way they do me. It’s a truly wonderful thing being able to connect to yourself in such a deep level. Sometimes it can be confronting but most times, it’s all worth it.

      Best of luck to you. I wish you and your words the very best on this journey. Take care ☺️

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  13. I am brand new to the blogging, but I have ben writing for years. I related to this soooo much. It was a tear jerker because iI too became afraid of my words and the things they made me feel. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Welcome darling, and you are certainly not alone! We’ve all been there, I still have my struggles. It’s not easy but it has become easier. You’re in good company here amongst the WordPress community. Best of luck to you and your words on this journey. Go gently xxx

      Like

  14. Really amazing story. You did extremely well facing your fears and building your courage. Not many people do that these days which is what makes you amazing. Awesome blog post! 🙂

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  15. I don’t usually comment, but this post was completely worth it. Thanks for telling your story! This is the first time I visit your blog and I’m hooked with your way of writing. It’s everything but tedious; it flows, it feels easy. No wonder how you missed it. I also need words, however I now and then find myself too in situations like those you described and I found your post truly helpful. So that’s it! All I wanted to say was thanks.

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    1. Very sweet of you Julieta thank you. Words are so wonderful and giving aren’t they. I’m happy to hear that they also help you. I’m glad my words have resonated. It’s my absolute pleasure xx

      Liked by 1 person

  16. This post of yours is so sincere. Words are magical and journaling fixes so much. It is nice when openly share life’s difficulties because life is a bit tough at times. But, it can get easier if we change they way we think. That is what i have found in my life. I really enjoyed this post.

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    1. Thank you, yes absolutely, I realise how much my mind holds me back at times. I find it so imperative that I stay aware of how I think and in turn how I process particular life moments. Thank you for the reminder, I appreciate it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  17. I felt every bit of this. It still amazes me how we often feel as if our troubles belong solely to us and no one could possibly understand what I’ve been through, but then we discover not only do we share the same pain as others we also share the same healing, determination and strength.

    Powerful words, thank you for sharing yourself

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    1. The internal, emotional, spiritual human experience can make one feel so displaced. Of course it’s an intrinsically personal journal, however, I’ve discovered the importance of sharing the experience with others to be so profound. We of course do not have the same exact experiences, but they sure are incredibly similar, and one so many can relate too. You are not alone, I am not alone, it’s an important everyday reminder for me. Thank you for being here, and supporting me to be so seen. Please know you are always welcome here, just as you are.Take care, I wish you all the best xx

      Liked by 1 person

  18. This is real and raw. I feel like i’m at that stage you were formerly at where there’s something in me itching to write all the time, but struggling to get my voice out. I’m glad I came across this x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Darling I still experience that, sometimes daily. But I’ve been doing morning pages, which is forcing (or nicely encouraging haha) myself to write two pages in my journal first thing in the morning. My words don’t always flow, but this daily commitment has certainly helped. Power and light to you. May your words turn up exactly when you need them xxx

      Like

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