I am home.

For years, home within me, was absolute chaos, a constant battle of expectations, ego, and at the heart of it, self rejection. It lasted for a greater part of my 20s. This is where I lived, where I wrote from. It’s where I made my decisions, in darkness, accompanied by fears, doubts and hopelessness. I had been here for so long, that I began to accept that this was always going to be home.

Then, suddenly, just in the last few days, I noticed something was profoundly different. Every time I would sit at my laptop to write, my words felt different, I felt different. So, I’d stop, because I didn’t understand what was happening.

Then today, as I wrote my morning pages, my answers arrived.

Home, as I’d known for all those years, was no longer. I’d moved out and into another. I don’t know when it happened, I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. I had wanted this for so long, to move out of that chaos and build anew. Yet, today, initially when I found myself here, I felt as though an intruder. The first thing I noticed, was the calm, almost eerie. The second, was the light, gloriously blinding. And third, I noticed how happy I felt here, so truly happy. I could’t tell you when I last felt this way. As I continued to look around, I noticed little familiar trinkets, and I knew it then, it was me that had built this new place, it was mine. I was home.

I have worked so hard to get here. So many times, I almost gave up, thinking it was impossible. And as it goes with change sometimes, it feels strangely bittersweet, overwhelming, even a little scary. I never want to go back, yet, to that home, I owe so much. In its darkness, I found my light. In its unhappiness, I found my curiosity. In its doubts, I found acceptance. In its hatred, empathy. And in its fears, I found my audacity. For eight years, home within me was chaotic, but it was home nonetheless.

Now, as I begin setting up fresh, I unpack all these precious discoveries, lessons, epiphanies, from the life that was. There’s so much free space where I am now, so much free will to do as I please. My words and my Self are amongst new company. There’s wonder here, love, warmth, awareness, clarity, hope, and courage. Although Fear and Doubt do visit from time to time, they do not stay, because there is no room for them here. It’s such a beautiful new world to navigate and I am willing.

Change can be so overwhelming, even when it’s for the better. I feel so grateful for the times that have been the most difficult. As I now begin to settle into where I am, I never want to forget where I once was. Without it, I would not be who I now am, and I would not have ever been able to build this new home, that I now so proudly call my own.

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166 thoughts on “I am home.

  1. Eckhart Tolle, in his book, The New Earth speaks of our pain-body and the knowing. We learn to free ourselves from the chaos and find or “discover an inner space in which to grow and blossom. “Many poets and sages throughout the ages have observed that true happiness – I call it the joy of Being – is found in simple, seeming unremarkable thing.” I hope you continue on your path to your one and only truth. Thanks for your post.

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    1. How absolutely wonderful, thank you for sharing this excerpt. I really love the idea of the joy of being. How beautiful! Thank you, I really appreciate the support. I wish you all the best. I hope you too continue to discover all that you are seeking, and then some.
      Take care.

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    1. It’s been a long journey, but there’s progression and how sweet it is! Thank you, I’m so glad to know my words have inspired you. Power and light to you, all I know, is that it was in my darkness that I truly grew. It hasn’t left me, but we have certainly become better, more respectful housemates. I wish you all the very best. Take care.

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  2. Reading through this piece made me feel some kind of rebirth, both for the writer and me, the reader! Its great that you saw the positives amidst the challenges at home, and its great that you moved on, you changed!!

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  3. From someone who had to start all over again from the bottom an is on start number 3 … this really hit “home” for me.

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  4. Shruti, I once told you that you did not have to go BACK. And also that you could also go forwards. The door to forwards has opened, and you recognized it as such. I guess you stayed where you were, like I suggested, so as to not leave too prematurely, before the miracle took place. I believe the miracle took place for you. Now with that knowledge, what are you going to do next? Welcome to the next chapter …
    Jeremy in Montreal.

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  5. It has been so long since I’ve read your posts. How I’ve truly missed them. This post resonates deeply with me, keep growing and learning! Can’t wait to read more

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    1. I’m so happy to know that it resonates with you. Thank you for being here, I so appreciate your kindness. Best of luck with your own journey, may it lead you to beautifully enriching places.

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  6. I have always been writing, and reading. And I can honestly say this is one of the most beautiful and relatable posts I have ever come across, like you are taking the words from my heart and laying them out perfectly on paper. I hope you don’t mind if I share!

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