For years, home within me, was absolute chaos, a constant battle of expectations, ego, and at the heart of it, self rejection. It lasted for a greater part of my 20s. This is where I lived, where I wrote from. It’s where I made my decisions, in darkness, accompanied by fears, doubts and hopelessness. I had been here for so long, that I began to accept that this was always going to be home.
Then, suddenly, just in the last few days, I noticed something was profoundly different. Every time I would sit at my laptop to write, my words felt different, I felt different. So, I’d stop, because I didn’t understand what was happening.
Then today, as I wrote my morning pages, my answers arrived.
Home, as I’d known for all those years, was no longer. I’d moved out and into another. I don’t know when it happened, I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. I had wanted this for so long, to move out of that chaos and build anew. Yet, today, initially when I found myself here, I felt as though an intruder. The first thing I noticed, was the calm, almost eerie. The second, was the light, gloriously blinding. And third, I noticed how happy I felt here, so truly happy. I could’t tell you when I last felt this way. As I continued to look around, I noticed little familiar trinkets, and I knew it then, it was me that had built this new place, it was mine. I was home.
I have worked so hard to get here. So many times, I almost gave up, thinking it was impossible. And as it goes with change sometimes, it feels strangely bittersweet, overwhelming, even a little scary. I never want to go back, yet, to that home, I owe so much. In its darkness, I found my light. In its unhappiness, I found my curiosity. In its doubts, I found acceptance. In its hatred, empathy. And in its fears, I found my audacity. For eight years, home within me was chaotic, but it was home nonetheless.
Now, as I begin setting up fresh, I unpack all these precious discoveries, lessons, epiphanies, from the life that was. There’s so much free space where I am now, so much free will to do as I please. My words and my Self are amongst new company. There’s wonder here, love, warmth, awareness, clarity, hope, and courage. Although Fear and Doubt do visit from time to time, they do not stay, because there is no room for them here. It’s such a beautiful new world to navigate and I am willing.
Change can be so overwhelming, even when it’s for the better. I feel so grateful for the times that have been the most difficult. As I now begin to settle into where I am, I never want to forget where I once was. Without it, I would not be who I now am, and I would not have ever been able to build this new home, that I now so proudly call my own.