What I Carry

As I’ve written before, I owe so much to my heartbreak.

It was the shakeup I needed to makeup with my Self.

But now, after all has settled, I can see the aftermath.

My heartbreak has left me with baggage, at least a little carry on suitcase.

I don’t trust so easy. H was kind, caring, loving, never had me doubt a word or action. Then, one morning, he left. Now, the kinder the man, the less I seem to be able to absorb it, trust it. In fact, I’m not even interested in getting close enough to allow trust to cultivate.

My warmth has grown colder. I have no energy to support, to care, the way I have supported and cared before. I don’t want someone else to make me feel good, I’d much rather receive it from a source I can rely on – myself.

I don’t want to show my complete self to another, to bare my all, be so completely seen, only to then be rejected.  What a horrible feeling that is. Why would I want to do that again. I question my worthiness, I question their intentions, I question whether true lasting love even exists. I question whether it does for me.

I’m not ready to put myself out there. In fact, I have never been so disinterested in doing so. I’m almost allergic to the idea. After some gentle peer pressure, I swiped left so many times, the application told me “there’s no one around you.” I don’t want “fun”, not when I can have real fun doing things I actually enjoy. I can’t flirt, I can’t play games, I’m not sure how the whole dating thing even works anymore. I hold no resentment, and I expect nothing. I’m genuinely just not interested. I don’t want anything from anyone.

This is my present. I’m so aware of my now, that I can’t suppress, ignore, bullshit or drink myself around it. This will take time. In so many ways I am the most okay I’ve ever been. In other ways, my okay is more like a numbness, and I’m not sure if that in itself is okay.

But, this is my okay. For now. And I’m okay carrying it, on my own. I don’t want another to carry this, to “fix” something that has nothing to do with them.

Heartbreak seeps into you. It settles into the cracks of your being. And it seems that even when you are healing, the memory of heartbreak doesn’t quite leave you.

I won’t allow myself to be completely defined by this. I am learning to let it all go, but as I do, I realise it won’t happen overnight. I realise it will take much longer than I would like. I realise that in letting go, I first must be aware of what it is I carry. This is my now, and I must respect that.

I still believe in big love, I still do. I will love again, I will trust again. But until then, I’ll continue to feel my way through this.

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76 thoughts on “What I Carry

  1. Wow…this post aroused a bittersweetness in me; I can identify. Although mine seems to come from collective disappointments, what I admire is your willingness to be with yourself as you are right now. I believe that must be the only way to truly move through the space, and come out whole. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I feel I too am collecting those disappointments, most self induced, few from external sources. Thank you for reading and for your kindness. I wish you all the best at sorting through your yesterday’s and today’s x

      Liked by 2 people

  2. My wife and I were married for several years before we realized that love didn’t happen but that it was grown. Love is a living entity that has to be carefully nurtured every day. It takes a lot of sacrifice. I hope you find someone worthy of the efforts as I have. ❤

    Liked by 7 people

    1. How beautifully put Lloyd. I absolutely agree and it has been quite an enriching lesson, learnt through the love and also the heartbreak. You and your wife are both so lucky to have found the worth in one another. There is hope still, thank you 💗

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Hello there,

    I’m not sure how public or private this message will be, but I figure that doesn’t really matter all that much. I wanted to let you know that upon reading your post, I felt obligated to write you.

    I feel very similarly to you. It feels as though we are living through the same experience. Obviously, we aren’t. But I still feel connected to you, emotionally. I’ve thought what you wrote many, many tines.

    Each day is literally a lesson. Sometimes it’s like climbing a mountain and coming out on the other side with a smile and some newfound strength. Most days I cry on the kitchen floor and try to remember myself without the tears or the pain. The past two days have been spent as the former.

    I often tell myself that this is a new journey, a different chapter that I need to embrace and cherish. I love my ex-partner; he is the warmest human being that I have ever met. But I know I need to let go and accept what is. I’ve never said that until now. It’s difficult, but I come first. I need to remember that I come first.

    Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that “me too.” Your writing is beautiful and honest. Thank you for being you.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jocelyn,

      I am so glad you wrote me, thank you, and what a wonderful writer you are. I admire your courage in sharing your honesty and your resolve to overcome this heartbreak. You are certainly not alone darling, I can relate to it all. I am sorry it has been difficult for you, but it does begin to pass, slowly but surely. Your instinct is so profound, and it is this that will get you through this. Sit with it, lean into the pain, you will heal. I promise you.

      You’re not alone. Right there with you in the tears, the pain, and the courage.

      Reach out whenever you may need xxx

      Like

  4. I have read that we attract what we need to learn from and that as we grow in love with ourselves we can love without fear as we are fine with what we are in solitude. Then we can find that one that together equates to greater than the sum of its parts. I intend to continue to be vulnerable to heartbreak as that is the only way to true intimacy

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This is such a beautiful thought and one that really resonates with me. I admire your courage, it is something I too am focusing on. Vulnerability, what a scary, powerful, beautiful thing it is 💗

      Liked by 2 people

  5. #she’saseeker It’s really amazing, I guess , it really create a void after someone who really means to you just leave suddenly or vanishes. I could relate so much to your feelings. Good work , keep it up.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Beautifully written and very identifiable. Indeed it took me 12 years and to reach the age of 44 before I could trust someone fully again after a very difficult situation. My partner and I have now been together for 3 and half years and it’s getting better and better. Love grows deeper and changes as we grow together. He is my soulmate. It takes time to heal and working on yourself with yourself is the perfect medicine. It will be OK, roll with the journey and who knows where it might take you x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. How beautiful, I am so happy for you Wendy and your partner for having crossed each others path. There is hope, always. Thank you for the wonderful reminder. I wish you all the very best xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I liked the way you concluded this post. As I see, it is not because of yesterday’s love that someone is with me today. It is, but, because of the unconditional exchange of countless tiny sacrifices that holds us together. Thank you for the post.

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  8. I agree with you in what you’ve wrote, but I would like to add one more thing. When it comes to love, you have to choose the right person wisely and you have to make sure that he/she loves you so much and he’s/she’s into you in order to avoid the day that he or she says “I’ve wronged you and i love another person….. bla bla bla”. And there’s a post I saw it a lot lately in instagram says that the wrong choices will lead to the right ones….. there’s still hope, there are true faces that exist and they’re looking for their love lives truely. Be faithful, patient and strong💪

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  9. I can relate so much. After the last breakup, it took me almost 3 years to heal… And I also like that you are ready to stay with yourself the way it is – I didn’t want to stay with myself, thats why it took me so long to get over it. You are so conscious and brave. The Universe loves you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so happy to hear that you have healed. We all must to do in our own time, at our own pace. I also have moments when I don’t want to stay with myself, until I realised that there is just no running from me.

      Thank you, I appreciate your kind words xx

      Liked by 1 person

  10. My wife decided after 28 years, and having survived cancer, to leave. I have learned that emotional scars, just like physical scars, fade with time. You will know when you are ready to start a new relationship.

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  11. Beautifully written. Not only is it your story and your experience but you managed to make me relate to major parts of your story. We all have our own time to grow, to love, to learn and so much more. Trust your time 🙂

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  12. This is beautiful. I am going through something similar and the beauty of the pain can not be overlooked 🙏🏽

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  13. There’s so much in your experiences that I could relate to however your resilience is also something that I found incredibly comforting too, for the fact there are others who continue to hope despite heartbreak and loss, makes me feel a little less alone in the struggle to still open myself up day in and day out. As you mentioned in response to a comment too, vulnerability truly is scary at times. Especially when disappointments are guaranteed in life however striving for a love with meaning and purpose is also what keeps me going. Knowing that there’s more than what meets the eye and that with every heartbreak it also allows for more light to touch my soul in ways I never thought it could, reminds me sometimes in order to truly find the love that matters most, we must first be broken in order to realise who never left. Our creator who continues to give and love us constantly, never needing anything in return and ever forgiving even when we are most ungrateful for the constant gifts and blessing He bestows. But those are my thoughts and I just thought sharing them may make you feel a little less alone in a way perhaps, too. Thank you for being so honest. I pray nothing but goodness finds you in the end and that you continue to grow and blossom from the darkness that continues to try and drown us.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m so sorry for his loss ☺️

    I used to feel that too. I’ve been through a few iteration of building a heart and then shattering it to smithers. It took a while to accept and realize that as broken as I might be, I’m still alive and am meant to be alive rather than exist.

    Life has lemons. Suck on em lemons and look forward to tequila or whatever the heart fancies.

    It’s the baggage that add character. It’s the baggage that keeps us chained. Knowing what to do is the balance to life.

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      1. I also saw you other (longer) reply on my e-mail… and I am useless in finding it on here… (not very familiar with WORDPRESS yet)… Anyway… I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you wrote… and yes I know exactly what you mean by the connection… and you totally guessed right about having gone through the same experience… I don’t want to write too much on here, because it’s obviously public, and I wouldn’t won’t to betray your trust with what you wrote to me…
        Please for what it’s worth, know that ”I am here” and this is my e-mail: katsarouowg@gmail.com.
        Thank you so much, I am humbled and honoured by your honesty, trust, authenticity. Until soon again. Me. x

        Like

  15. Hello Shruti,
    I once told you that you did not have to go BACK, but you indeed could go FORWARD and also, not to leave where you are prematurely, before the miracle happened. You’ve spent the better part of many months getting to know you, from the inside out. admirable work, if I might say so myself. You don’t need a man to complete you, as long as by now, you have come to love yourself fully, inside and out.

    But, you never know when Mr. Right might show up, and quite possibly on a fluke. But by your instincts now, you should be able to see it at fifty paces as he approaches, and might knock your socks off … just saying … Never settle for Mr. right now … Danger Will Robinson Danger !!!

    You are in a place that has taught you much over this last little while. stick with it and continue your self discovery. There is NO rush to get anywhere, but where you are, and they do say that “where ever you go, there you are …”

    Hang in there young lady, your whole life is still ahead of you.

    Hugs from Montreal
    Jeremy

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hi…
    After read this, and all the comments bellow, I know now that I am not alone. I am not the only who feels like this. We can get hurt and feel the pain. Sometimes it just hard to let go that fast. People have their own time. The only one who can heal the pain is ourself.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are certainly not alone, there are many of us who are experiencing very similar things. There are many of us who can understand. Others can help, but it’s up to us to work towards healing ourselves. Thank you for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. OMG….I so know what you mean in this entire post. While I am open to dating, I’m not sure how to go about it. The men I come in contact with (via dating sites) seem to thing that means lets have sex. NO!! If that’s the case, I have a wonderful relationship with my vibrator(s).

    I am ok with MY own company. I know how to occupy and entertain myself and be completely satiated.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You go gurl! It sure is a crazy new world to navigate. I completely agree, it’s totally okay to be okay. And so very okay to be completely and utterly okay with your own company.

      You are a breath of fresh air thank you xx

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Did you read my journal? Wow! Your post explains my entire mindset these days. I’m taking one step at a time. When heartbreak happens maybe the numbness and disinterest act as a protectant until we are able to change into stronger and healthier versions of ourselves. No one can decide for us how much time it should take. It is a daily struggle but don’t lose hope. Thanks for sharing in a way that so many people can identify with and give us perspective. You are a talented writer who taps into the heart of the matter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Such beautiful words thank you, I really appreciate it. It’s wonderful that you’re taking it just a step at a time. You have your own pace and you must walk it on your own terms. It’s amazing that you are able to recognise where you are and what is best for you. Thank you for sharing your insightful thoughts, you have a beautiful way with words. I wish you all the best forward xx

      Liked by 1 person

  19. I’m sharing a favourite passage of mine with you, because it showed me how to let go of the pain and learn to trust again with faith that good things are meant for me. Good things are meant for you. You just need to keep the door open for them, and not rush until you are ready.

    “What is meant for you will reach you, even if it is between two mountains. What is not meant for you won’t reach you, even if it is between your two lips.”

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    1. Thank you Marian, what a beautiful, powerful quote. I’ve jotted it down, and one that I will be passing on to others who I know need to read this.
      Leaving the door open as even through the doubts, there is always hope xx

      Like

  20. Wow! This is a great post. Thanks for sharing. I can say most of us can surely feel what you’re feeling. I mean, we can all have that “at least a little carry on suitcase”. We’ll be needing the precious time to heal. Because really time heals. 🙂

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  21. I can definitely relate to this and how you’re feeling. It can be scary how much of ourselves we can give to someone else and have them leave.

    You’ve written this post so well!

    I hope you find someone that will never make you question love again, which I’m sure will happen in time and when you are ready.

    Like

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