When I Didn’t Want To Be Rescued

I’ve started plenty of things that I never finished. I’ve quit jobs. I’ve prematurely shared my grandiose ideas with others, because it sounded better than “I actually have no idea.” I’ve made decisions quickly and changed my mind at double the speed.

I would see others who stayed – in jobs, in relationships, in cities. They’d stay so beautifully still, I wished to be just like them. Why did I keep questioning and yearning and deciding and un-deciding and quitting and moving? One night I remember whispering a polite little prayer to whoever may have been listening – Please, please just make me still.

My prayer was answered, for some time. I managed to stay still for about 18 months, long enough to save money. In 2016, I quit my job to travel. I’m grateful to have the privilege and freedom of flight. I was doing the thing that you do according to many articles out there – quit and leap! I went out in dramatic fashion, leaving a trail of glittery rainbow confetti, but beneath the theatrics of it all, there lived years of naive, romantic notions of what it really took to sustain such a leap.

I went to Nepal. I isolated myself, I was frozen. I didn’t write as much as I should’ve, or could’ve. I started talking to an old flame from back home. He always knew the right things to say, and I knew the right things to say to him to get him to say the right things.  During our conversations my best Self would put on an impressive performance. I knew him well enough to know that this was the side of me he preferred. My not so best, honest Self, I would keep shelved, bookmarked to revisit later in the inevitable company of my lonesomeness. It was contrived, temporary, hollow, just a convenient distraction.

Later, in NYC, even through the distractions, is when my unavoidable truth would arrive. I connected with the most supportive, talented, honest, and curious humans.  They had quit more than they’d started, questioned everything and changed their jobs and minds over and over again. They were constantly moving, trying, failing, pushing, questioning, evolving, on repeat. They were like me, but with one striking difference – they were working on creating and working fucking hard.

I remember the exact moment it arrived. I was visiting the force that is Jenny, a sculptor, an artisan, just radiating magic. She took me up to her studio. To be able to afford this space she had to work various jobs, day and night. Balancing what she needed to do, she would make the time, show up at her studio, and continue doing what she knew she must, create.

It was almost midnight, when I left her studio and got into a Lyft, sharing what was most of my ride from Manhattan to Brooklyn with an overtly friendly Canadian who loved my Australian accent and just wanted to talk.  It arrived out of nowhere, in that back seat, my truth, unencumbered, finally free from years of naivety and romanticism. With full force, it knocked the bullshit right out of me. I had to do everything to not shatter all over that beautiful Canadian man.

This was my truth –

I was a “writer” that hardly wrote. I was not putting in the work, no where near enough of the work required.

It has taken me over two years to write the above.

My gut told me to return home, so I did, 6 months earlier than I had planned and budgeted for. I’m so glad I did.

I have since come to realise, that up until now, I’ve had an unscrupulous relationship with my creativity. I gave very little of anything and expected magic in return. I thought of my creativity as my knight in shining armour. One fine day, while I’d be doing nothing,  it would just arrive. It would scoop me up out of the pits of my creative sludge and whisk me away – away from my own bullshit, away from Doubt and Fear. We’d ride off, until we reached the edge, where I could finally confirm that yes the grass is definitely greener. On this other side, we’d make a light filled home where no indoor plants ever died, and abundant inspiration and ‘plenty to show for it’ lived.

Over the years, I have delved in so much material across mediums telling me that creativity is indeed work, so you’d think I’d know better. But it seems, it took me quitting, leaping, and rupturing inside that Lyft with the unsuspecting lovely Canadian, for those seeds to finally cultivate into my knowing.

Creativity is magic. When it’s there, I know it, I see it. It’s as if I’m in the presence of a higher yet deeper Self, a presence I respect, admire, and worship. I’m always grateful for its arrival.

But creativity isn’t just magic, it’s work. Hard work and ongoing practice.

My creativity arrives, only when I create the space. There’s no room for it when I’m on my sixth back to back episode of the day, or deep in a YouTube spiral – my last one was on “feeders”, people who take pleasure in overfeeding others. 

When I turn up, so does creativity. Mine doesn’t live up high on some mountain overlooking the Ganges, or in cities that never sleep. It’s here, it lives in me – it is wherever I am.

I seem to forget this, I can’t forget this.

So here I am. I’ve been working on this piece for over four days, making time and turning up. Battling the beast that is resistance. I settle in and begin to write, only to realise that I definitely need a cup of tea. I sit down, and oh, I’ll light some candles. I try again, and 20 mins in, I decide that I need a plant in my room. When I return home after having purchased said plant, I get back to writing. Back to it, back to it, back to it.

Today, I’ve made this commitment:

  • I will show up to work and be punctual about it.
  • I will be a loyal, reliable employee.
  • I will always remind myself, that the guts, glory and magic of creating something of my own, is in the hard work I put into it.

I don’t need rescuing. I just need to work.

102 thoughts on “When I Didn’t Want To Be Rescued

  1. So much of this is so relatable. I spent years thinking that being a writer was something for other people, special people or what have you.
    As you say, it’s only through putting in the work that I’ve been able to start to do what I want with it. And I’m only at the beginning. Good luck. 🍻

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Isn’t it liberating! I’m happy for you, what a wonderful place to begin. Wishing you all the best, on your beautiful “stupid” adventures! 🙏🏼🍻

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      1. 🙏🏼🙏🏼 Thank you! It’s more the horror and dark fiction stories these days. But travel is still vital to me, even if it doesn’t get out into words so often. ☺️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ooo yesss dark fiction sounds intriguing. Travel is a lifeline for me too. The further I go, the deeper traverse inward. Keen to potentially read some of your fiction one of these days!

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      3. How exciting! I love discovering new works, thank you. I’m off to work now over in my corner of the globe. I’ll get onto it this eve. Cheers Kev!

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  2. Creativity seems to be like the flow of love. Its thoughts that stem their flow…if we can only see the thoughts and relentlessly let them go….the torrent of love and creativity explode with joy…like a well tended garden in spring time….from another Canadian…perhaps its something in our water…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh this is absolutely beautiful and magical George, thank you! There must certainly be something in the Canadian waters. Abundant kindness. I’ll forever be grateful to the kindness of that Canadian. As I am to yours. Thank you 🙏🏼

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  3. Loved it.
    And, “My gut told me to return home, so I did, 6 months earlier than I had planned and budgeted for. I’m so glad I did.” – Here is an interesting topic for your next blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is so beautiful. And just what I needed to read today.
    My 6 year old daughter, in the back seat of the car this morning was saying to her 3 year old sister (about swimming) “if you ever feel like you can’t swim or might drown ((morbid – I know!!)) then you need to ask for a red circle float and that will help you.”
    I read this article because of the image of the red inner tube.

    Creating takes the work of not falling victim to the thousands of distractions. I hit snooze 4 times this morning before getting up, with not enough time to read, or write, or meditate. The work that comes into creating a nice day, a good mindset… an article, a masterpiece.
    Thank you for the reminder my friend.
    The red tube.
    And for your commitment to creation ❤
    -Sarah

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    1. You’re so welcome, you have a beautiful way with words. Your daughter is a force – some very sage advice for her little sister (and for me to be honest). Our time is so sacred. I don’t always prioritise it, but when I do, I feel a cosmic shift. I am engaged, I am seen.

      And I absolutely love what you’ve said here, that the work also comes into creating a day, a mindset. This has floored me, and it’s everything I needed to hear!

      The old flame I wrote about took this photo of me. The tube is an Anish Kapoor art piece. Now, because of your daughter, I’ll think of this picture differently and remind myself that when I need it, I need to ask for help, I need to ask for a red circle.

      Thank you, your words have moved me so.
      Shruti xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We always get what we need the most… thankfully I was aware enough this time to see it 😊
        And I woke up without the snooze bar, and just finished my morning meditation ❤️
        Keep honing your creative craft… you’re such a beautiful writer!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. This post is literally a wake-up call. Creativity and dreams aren’t enough, you need to work hard. So thank you for being an inspiration and for helping realise I need to cut the crap and just start working for what I want.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re just beautiful, thank you so much. I have to constantly check myself and lucky for me, I have a beautiful network of friends that aren’t afraid to tell me how it is! Here’s to hard work and cutting the crap! X

      Liked by 1 person

  6. creativity is like a river, for me its organic, it comes and goes, so every time it comes you just have to go with it and write like crazy…i was in Nepal myself last year on a Buddhist pilgrimage cheers

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes sure did , I am involved with Sakya tradition , went with Lama and others, had the good fortune to meet H H Dalai Lama, yes “a lucky man” as the saying goes, pilgrimage is important, if we can our life as that, doesn’t mean it’s easy or that everything goes in a straight line. I like Joseph Campbell , he wrote on myth, he said, “if you hear the call you must go”; otherwise you may regret. Same as writing, believe that you are a writer , write, and good things will happen. It’s up to you …anyway enough rambling bye

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s not rambling at all, you write of wisdom, it’s just beautiful. Wow what wonderful fortune that is to have met him. Magic! You’ve got so much to offer, please “ramble” away always. It’s very inspirational thank you 🙏🏼

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    1. These words are written by a fellow procrastinator and idealist darling. You’re certainly not alone there. Thank you for being here, power and light to you Zara ❤️

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  7. Hello and Thank-you! Your post resonated with me and I wanted to let you know that. Also, I am not sure if I sent a reply or what I did earlier. It looks likes I sent one with a URL attatched and I DEFINITELY didn’t mean to do that. Please ignore it. I look forward to reading more of your posts, Thank-you again.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You have no idea how your brave posts are helping me. I feel understood, seen and accepted through your own acceptance of yourself and what you’re going through. Love lots to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m overwhelmed with your words, thank you. It was in reading the courageous words and truth of others that has allowed me to continue on this path. It’s magical that I may be paying it forward. You’re not alone in your truth, power to you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. This is beautiful and captures the battle within. I can relate on so many levels. The expectations, wandering, distractions, wanting the perfect environment for my muse, and inconsistency. Keep going back to it. Keep writing and keep creating.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s amazing, sharing your truth, feeling terrified to do so, then realising I’m not alone. Thank you Anna. As long as we keep going back to it. All the best to you ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  10. You have a wonderful way with words. For every artist, there is an undeniably wayward calling that forms the basis of there journey towards beautified expression. Thank you for this reminder and I look forward to reading more.

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    1. Hahah every story deserves a lovely Canadian man doesn’t it. Thank you, I’m so happy you can relate. You’re certainly not alone, just got to get back to it!

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    1. Thank you lovely, I’m glad my words resonate. I just want to say, you’re a beautiful writer. There’s such an honesty in your words and I so appreciate your courage to share your truth as it is. I’m excited to keep following and supporting your work. Power to you, Shruti xx

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  11. Hi there! I am a writer, a poet to be specific. Since I am just starting with my blog, may I ask you to please follow my blog to help my poems reach more readers? I am hoping for your help, God bless you more and have a great day!☺

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    1. Nepal is absolutely magical, when you do, you’ll be glad you crossed it off your bucket list. It also happens to be my motherland. I didn’t really remember my memories as a child, so I decided It was time to make new ones. It’s a place I can go back to over and over again and still have so much left that I wish to explore. Hope you get there one day!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Hi Shruti
    All that time you took to write this, and it is brilliant. In order to find inspiration, we need to find the quiet, within. One of the hardest lessons to learn, How To Sit Still … And if we don’t give creativity a space to blossom, time is wasted. “time is a precious commodity, once wasted it can never be regained.” The universe put in your path, creativity in he form of a sculptor and a Canadian in a lyft. And you saw it and listened to it. Now, make time every day to create, even if it hurts. No Pain, No Gain. The life you want, is not gonna show up on a white horse and scoop you up. If we don’t take the first steps to be creative or to create, the universe isn’t going to hand us anything in return. We must make the first move, then the universe responds. Because a little bit of the universe is in all of us, down in our DNA. What made the universe made us, so we are connected to all that is, by all that is within us. So it knows before we even think of it. But we must take the first step into realization of dreams, creativity and prosperity.

    Hope all is well.
    Jeremy in Montreal.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Jeremy, it’s always such a pleasure to hear from you. I am in awe of your words, thank you.

      Just this week, I’ve been contemplating stillness within. And you’re absolutely right, it is so incredibly hard to find, to create. I can always feel the need to transcend within. I have arrived at the best place I’ve ever been. I have found joy, I have reached a deeper level of acceptance. Yet, at times, I feel the chaos within. It’s busy, it’s loud, I yearn for stillness. But, yearning is not enough. It’s a practice, a constant ongoing practice. I reach for my notebook or my computer and I just let it all out. It doesn’t always make sense, it doesn’t have to. All I know is that when I do, I feel less crowded within, less frantic, less chaotic. I feel more visible to me. The quiet, the stillness returns.

      I know I must continue doing this, over and over and over again. And I am willing.

      Hope all is well with you too Jeremy.

      Shruti

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    1. Thank you Eddie, it’s hard work indeed, and absolutely the work may never finish. A couple of years ago, that thought would have scared me. But now, as I unlearn and relearn, I feel okay with the idea, almost excited by it. I wish to keep evolving, keep expanding, and this takes work. Thank you for your words Eddie!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. This is so freaking good! Man, I remember telling my editor this exact thing at the start of my internship. That I needed to get “inspired” first before I can start writing. And his simple, practical truth of “Just write” was so new to me. And then you start doing just that, showing up to work; writing that terrible first draft and editing and editing and editing. And that is how you begin and end, and continue being a writer.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes absolutely, it’s wild the things I’ve told myself, mostly just to distract me from actually doing the work. I never really go in with a plan, I just turn up, begin writing. Most times it’s terrible, sometimes I catch something that I feel the need to explore and build on. Editing, thank you so much for mentioning it! yes yes yes, editing is everything! When I was younger, I paid no mind to editing. I used to think that if the first version wasn’t good, it meant I wasn’t a writer. I’m relieved that as I’ve grown, I’ve learned the work behind the words. What a beautiful, thought provoking comment Maelyn, thank you. Looking forward to reading more of your work, you have a beautiful way with words xxx

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  14. Hi Shruti. You are a seeker, AND you are a writer. So perhaps it is through your writing that you seek. I often feel that the idea of travelling has become externalized. In other words, we are fed the idea that we should all travelling the world geographically – visiting exotic places, meeting strange people, eating unusual food – and jumping up and down physically (the fitness industry) to be able to say we have MOVED. But I have found that movement moves in mysterious ways :). Mystics and psychonauts know this, and travel inwardly – through the exotic, unusual and absolutely UNIQUE landscapes of their inner dimension. Unique because the thread to Self that they hold has only been given to them – no-one else has this golden key. Writers, poets and artists know this, too. So I hope you keep following the thread – it has shown itself to be beautiful, honest and engaging thus far.
    Thanks so much for visiting our blog also.

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    1. So provoking and profound, thank you for your words. Absolutely, I find that travel, movement, even when it’s physical, for me, is always a journey into Self. From your comment, I’ve realised that I’ve never travelled for travel sake, it’s always been to create space for me. Now, I no longer feel the need for grand gestures, the need to be anywhere specific. I can travel right where I am, as the journey doesn’t stop upon returning “home”, it only continues.

      I shall keep following the thread, it has yet to lead me astray.

      Thank you for your kind, and profound insight again. I am so appreciative x

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  15. Egad I needed to read this. Thank you. Instead of whining and wondering what to do, just sit and do it. I pulled the same stunt with my painting and the old Nike saying came to the fore: Just Do It. Yes. Thanks from another Canadian.

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  16. This is so amazingly, beautifully relatable. Although our paths have been different, we have been on that same journey: searching. Thank you, for sharing yours.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. I’m so sorry it took so long for me to reply. I’ve been writing, but away from my blog, just to reconnect with my love for it. You’re not alone by any means, we all suffer through our words (or at time, lack there of), and as we do, we continue to grow. Keep going, you got this xx

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