What I Carry

As I’ve written before, I owe so much to my heartbreak.

It was the shakeup I needed to makeup with my Self.

But now, after all has settled, I can see the aftermath.

My heartbreak has left me with baggage, at least a little carry on suitcase.

I don’t trust so easy. H was kind, caring, loving, never had me doubt a word or action. Then, one morning, he left. Now, the kinder the man, the less I seem to be able to absorb it, trust it. In fact, I’m not even interested in getting close enough to allow trust to cultivate.

My warmth has grown colder. I have no energy to support, to care, the way I have supported and cared before. I don’t want someone else to make me feel good, I’d much rather receive it from a source I can rely on – myself.

I don’t want to show my complete self to another, to bare my all, be so completely seen, only to then be rejected.  What a horrible feeling that is. Why would I want to do that again. I question my worthiness, I question their intentions, I question whether true lasting love even exists. I question whether it does for me.

I’m not ready to put myself out there. In fact, I have never been so disinterested in doing so. I’m almost allergic to the idea. After some gentle peer pressure, I swiped left so many times, the application told me “there’s no one around you.” I don’t want “fun”, not when I can have real fun doing things I actually enjoy. I can’t flirt, I can’t play games, I’m not sure how the whole dating thing even works anymore. I hold no resentment, and I expect nothing. I’m genuinely just not interested. I don’t want anything from anyone.

This is my present. I’m so aware of my now, that I can’t suppress, ignore, bullshit or drink myself around it. This will take time. In so many ways I am the most okay I’ve ever been. In other ways, my okay is more like a numbness, and I’m not sure if that in itself is okay.

But, this is my okay. For now. And I’m okay carrying it, on my own. I don’t want another to carry this, to “fix” something that has nothing to do with them.

Heartbreak seeps into you. It settles into the cracks of your being. And it seems that even when you are healing, the memory of heartbreak doesn’t quite leave you.

I won’t allow myself to be completely defined by this. I am learning to let it all go, but as I do, I realise it won’t happen overnight. I realise it will take much longer than I would like. I realise that in letting go, I first must be aware of what it is I carry. This is my now, and I must respect that.

I still believe in big love, I still do. I will love again, I will trust again. But until then, I’ll continue to feel my way through this.