For years, home as I knew it within me, was absolute chaos, a constant battle of expectation, ego, and at the heart of it, self rejection. It lasted for the greater part of my 20s. This is where I lived, where I wrote from. It’s where I made my decisions, in darkness, accompanied by fears, doubts and hopelessness. I had been here for so long, that I had accepted that it would never change and I would just have to learn to live with it.
But, in the last few days, it has changed. I noticed that something was profoundly different. When I sat at my laptop to write, my words felt different, I felt different.
Today, as I wrote my morning pages, I realised why.
Home, as I’d known for all those years, is no longer. I’m not too sure when it happened, but sometime in the last few days, I moved out. I had wanted this for so long, to move out of that chaos and build anew. Yet today, initially upon first realising the shift, I felt displaced. The first thing I noticed was the calm, almost eerie. The second was the light, so gloriously blinding. And third, I noticed how happy I felt here, so truly happy. I couldn’t tell you the last time I felt like this. It was all foreign, such a huge change from my previous abode. But, as I continued to look around, I noticed little trinkets, personal to only me, so wonderfully familiar. I knew then, that I had built this place, it was mine and I was home.
I’ve pushed so hard to get here. So many times, I thought of giving up, almost convinced that change within me was an impossible feat. And as it goes with change sometimes, it feels strangely bittersweet, overwhelming, even a little scary. I never want to go back, yet, to that home, I owe so much. In its darkness, I found my light. In its unhappiness, I found my curiosity. In its doubts, I found acceptance. In its hatred, empathy. And in its fears, I found my audacity. For eight years, home within me was often unfriendly and disorderly, but it was home nonetheless.
Now, as I begin setting up fresh, I unpack my most precious memories, lessons, epiphanies, from the home that was. There’s so much free space where I am now, so much free will to do as I please. My words and my Self are amongst new company. There’s wonder here, love, warmth, awareness, clarity, hope, and courage. Although Fear and Doubt do visit from time to time, they do not stay, there’s no room for them here. It’s a beautiful new world. I know it’ll just take some time as I navigate through and find my bearings again.
Change can be confronting, even when you’ve pushed so hard to seek it, even when it was everything you’ve ever wanted.
But, I know, that this change, this shift, is my life’s most profound – my whole life has changed, because I have.