Does It Have To End?

When I committed, I gave myself a year. To have my adventure, to sort my shit out, to realise my ideas, be my true self once and for all, to discover my life’s work and start creating it. Then, I would return to Australia to continue it on home soil, never having to go back to my corporate 9-5 ever again. Simple! A whole year, to change my whole life! No pressure right?

When I took the leap, I planned on operating solely on gut feeling.

“What made you finally do it?” They’d ask me.

“I just know it’s right.” I still answer, this reason being reason enough.

I’ve leaped before, from 14,000 ft. Bungeed, head first, into nothing but jagged rocks below. I’ve leaped from relationships and from careers. I’m certainly no stranger to it.

But this leap, it’s different. There’s no harness, no guaranteed job, no next relationship. This leap is completely self driven, self reliant, self funded. It’s now up to me to make all my own decisions, create my own work, hustle for opportunities. And it’s all up to me to create something sustainable for when I return home.

I spoke with J about my one year adventure deadline. He asked me what would happen thereafter. Well, I guess, my adventure would end and I would hope I’ve got myself sorted. He asked me why it had to end? Isn’t this leap just the start? He added finally with such resolute “this is it Shruti, you’re now living your life’s adventure, and it’s just you flying the ship, the direction, your choosing.”

Fuck. There it was, the epiphany. I had done it. I was now in total control of my journey. My life until now, a beautiful, slightly turbulent, at times disorientating adventure. My life from here on in, the adventure continued, this time more mindful, conscious, honest.

I have no real plan, I have no real clue. I have no answers. I don’t even know the right questions to ask. I have no one guiding me, telling me what to do, showing me what’s right. The journey is fraught with risks, but amongst the danger, cohabiting so amicably, I see opportunities.

Of only two things, I am sure – that I trust my gut feeling and, that I am willing. To show up every day and do my work. To write, to capture moments, to build on my ideas, to put myself out there, to reach out to others, to learn. I’m fucking terrified. I push through the fears. I doubt whether I am capable of achieving anything. So, I push harder.

Because, I just must. 

Just one day at a time. I know it is only in doing so today, that my tomorrows will sort themselves out. My answers will arrive, my ideas will evolve, and my life’s work will reveal itself to me.

And there’s just no telling when it’ll all end, for, this grand adventure, is now simply just life.