In order to provide any insight on who I am today, I need to pay homage to who I was, and who I had become.
I was –
a happy kid, a dreamer, curious, fidgety, dramatic, creative, engaged, fearless, loving and oh so loved. I had dreams, big dreams. I wanted to spread positivity, create change in people’s hearts and in turn the whole world. I believed in myself, that I was capable. I trusted in my motivations, and I saw no obstacles.
Graduating high school, like many before me, I chose the path that I thought was right, rather than the path that was right for me.
In my first year, my gut knew that this path was not mine, but I didn’t see another. My parents were supportive, encouraging me to pursue what made me happy. I just wanted to pursue what I had deemed to be right. So I did, and I became a lawyer.
But, my gut knew. It wasn’t for me, it was not my path. I hated myself for not being happy, I hated myself for not having the right answers. What else could I do? How else could I make money? I had what it took to be a great lawyer. I wondered what was wrong with me. All my friends were unhappy in their respective professions so why was I so bad at being unhappy? For a while, I ignored my gut so well, belittled myself so much, all in a fiscal attempt to convince myself that what I was feeling, was simply part of the often shared human experience.
That’s when I became –
unhappy, unhealthy, unsure, lost, fearful, anxious, dismissive, unkind to self, and at times, those around me. I doubted my capabilities. My dreams, I stifled them – for, their presence only reminded me of my alleged failures. I no longer knew my motivations, and saw only obstacles.
My gut would try to reach out, but I was quick to reject its advances. I started to sink deeper into this person I had become, for a while, making home in the depths of my self induced despair.
I had become a high functioning, successful unhappy professional. I was great at it. I would cry in my car, enter the office and excel throughout the day. Only to then cry again as I got back in the car at the end of the day. Strange thing to become good at. I thought my unhappiness was a sign of my own weakness, at not being able to “hack” real life. The deeper I sank.
During this time, I had stopped writing, only intermittently spilling superficial words, where truth ought to be. I wasn’t ready to confront any of it. To think that I’d been on a path for so long, that may never have been mine to begin with, was difficult.
I’ve been asked, how I pulled myself out of this. It’s something that I know will take far more self learning to be able to articulate with justice.
All I remember, is how tired I was. I was tired of fighting. My gut, my Self, my power, my light, my unhappiness, my absolute truth. It wasn’t working, so I had to try something different.
I stopped fighting, I began listening to my Self. I confronted some deep seeded truths and started to accept. Then, my ego decided it would loosen its grip off me.
I began to own my truth, and my story so far. Without shame, without judgement, with only love. I made a decision to then move forward, to start creating my own path, consciously, no longer believing it to be pre-determined.
So, this brings me to who I am today –
My name is Shruti.
I am a former lawyer, a seeker, a dreamer. I’m curious, fidgety, dramatic, creative, engaged, fearless, loving and oh so loved. I have big dreams. I want to spread positivity, create change in people’s hearts and in turn the whole world. I believe in myself, that I am capable, I trust in my motivations, and I do see obstacles, but one that I believe I can overcome.
I am happy.
And, I’m also a writer – from here on in, writing the rest of my story.
photograph – the Kathmandu Valley, July 2017