Who I Am Today

In order to provide any insight on who I am today, I need to pay homage to who I was, and who I had become.

I was –

a happy kid, a dreamer, curious, fidgety, dramatic, creative, engaged, fearless, loving and oh so loved. I had dreams, big dreams. I wanted to spread positivity, create change in people’s hearts and in turn the whole world. I believed in myself, that I was capable. I trusted in my motivations, and I saw no obstacles.

Graduating high school, like many before me, I chose the path that I thought was right, rather than the path that was right for me.

In my first year, my gut knew that this path was not mine, but I didn’t see another. My parents were supportive, encouraging me to pursue what made me happy. I just wanted to pursue what I had deemed to be right. So I did, and I became a lawyer.

But, my gut knew. It wasn’t for me, it was not my path. I hated myself for not being happy, I hated myself for not having the right answers. What else could I do? How else could I make money? I had what it took to be a great lawyer. I wondered what was wrong with me. All my friends were unhappy in their respective professions so why was I so bad at being unhappy? For a while, I ignored my gut so well, belittled myself so much, all in a fiscal attempt to convince myself that what I was feeling, was simply part of the often shared human experience.

That’s when I became – 

unhappy, unhealthy, unsure, lost, fearful, anxious, dismissive, unkind to self, and at times, those around me. I doubted my capabilities. My dreams, I stifled them – for, their presence only reminded me of my alleged failures. I no longer knew my motivations, and saw only obstacles. 

My gut would try to reach out, but I was quick to reject its advances. I started to sink deeper into this person I had become, for a while, making home in the depths of my self induced despair.

I had become a high functioning, successful unhappy professional. I was great at it. I would cry in my car, enter the office and excel throughout the day. Only to then cry again as I got back in the car at the end of the day. Strange thing to become good at. I thought my unhappiness was a sign of my own weakness, at not being able to “hack” real life. The deeper I sank.

During this time, I had stopped writing, only intermittently spilling superficial words, where truth ought to be. I wasn’t ready to confront any of it. To think that I’d been on a path for so long, that may never have been mine to begin with, was difficult.

I’ve been asked, how I pulled myself out of this. It’s something that I know will take far more self learning to be able to articulate with justice.

All I remember, is how tired I was. I was tired of fighting. My gut, my Self, my power, my light, my unhappiness, my absolute truth. It wasn’t working, so I had to try something different.

I stopped fighting, I began listening to my Self. I confronted some deep seeded truths and started to accept. Then, my ego decided it would loosen its grip off me. 

I began to own my truth, and my story so far. Without shame, without judgement, with only love. I made a decision to then move forward, to start creating my own path, consciously, no longer believing it to be pre-determined.

So, this brings me to who I am today – 

My name is Shruti.

I am a former lawyer, a seeker, a dreamer. I’m curious, fidgety, dramatic, creative, engaged, fearless, loving and oh so loved. I have big dreams. I want to spread positivity, create change in people’s hearts and in turn the whole world. I believe in myself, that I am capable, I trust in my motivations, and I do see obstacles, but one that I believe I can overcome.

I am happy.

And, I’m also a writer – from here on in, writing the rest of my story.

 

photograph – the Kathmandu Valley, July 2017

 

 

 

 

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121 thoughts on “Who I Am Today

  1. This really resonated with me, especially the part about not writing when you were being untrue to yourself. I’ve experienced the same. It is almost as if my mind knows not commit the inauthentic me to paper. I am always my most creative when I’m living my truth. I’m happy that you’ve un-become all that you were not meant to be and that you’re moving toward a more free, authentic version of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s so amazing when you hear of others experiencing such similar moments, thank you for sharing. I look back now on those years and am absolutely gobsmacked as to how empty the pages of my notebook were. I identified as a writer, yet barely wrote.

      Now, after having committed to discovering my truth, I find myself comforted by my words. Even if they don’t always show up, I do, at my desk, every day, fighting through the resistance. Thank you Jilian, you’re such a wonderful writer. You string together words in such a beautiful way. Thank you and please do keep sharing your stories and advice. It’s in the stories of others that I draw the most inspiration. xx

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow! Girl you really made a big change in your life. So happy you survived being a lawyer. Thank you for leaving a positive comment about my blog. At my age (a baby boomer) I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, but the difference now, for me, is that I am enjoying the process of trying figure it out and think I am getting closer every day.
    Blessings,
    EA

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! It’s taken 10 years to muster up the courage but it’s been so worth the ride. It’s so wonderful to hear that you are now enjoying the process. I too, am trying to get to a place where I not just enjoy the process, but I can respect it. Because recently I’ve realised that I am someone who has (and will mostly likely always have) this incessant desire to try different things. I’m simply interested in too much! So, I hope I’m always yearning to be something when I grow up!

      Thank you so much for sharing your insight. I appreciate it so much, for it inspires and encourages me on my own journey.

      Take care,

      Shruti x

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Although I certainly don’t always feel positive, I do my very best to push through. My Self has gotten me this far, I owe it to her to keep going!! Thank you so much for your kindness xxx

      Like

  3. I was one of those kids that said “when i grow up i just want to be happy” now older i am still adamant that, that is my biggest goal.
    I dont care about the money, clothes, material things most days and the odd times i do i know i am not feeling like my true self.
    Happiness and what it feels like to me is when i feel my true self. Ive jumped careers, relationships, projects and tried so many different things because i am comfortable in that; keeping things fun and light and most importantly keeping myself happy because as the old saying goes “when your happy so is everyone around you” well something to that effect.
    I love making others happy and even though at times it can become draining and people say i should care for myself first (and i know its true) its just who i am. I have learned though to take regular breaks “me time” so i May recharge and regain “my happy” so i can then share it with everyone. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolute power to you Carley. It takes a lot to push against the societal norms in order to redefine them for yourself. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for keeping your happiness at the centre. Your self awareness will not lead you astray. I just know you will not only help others but in turn live a life that best reflects who you are. It is a wonderful power to possess, and I am excited at what your future holds for you. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I find it incredibly uplifting and inspiring. Take care of yourself, I wish you only the best xx

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow!!!! I can relate with you so much!! Please read my blogpost titled Can Science and Art CoExist? when you get a chance. I became a Nurse because I thought it was the right thing to do when clearly I was an artist in my bones. I’m going through a career change now as I speak…from medical field to fashion design. I also write and act – started taking writing classes at University, write prose, wrote a short film, planning to produce it God willing soon…I am sending you positive vibes and prayer! I can tell you have such pureness in your soul. Keep seeking, keep going, you have so much to offer this world. The way you wrote about your experience as a lawyer…you crying in your car, being unhappy…I can relate 100%. I felt like an imposter in my old career, was unhappy, cried not in my car but in the restroom at work…often, and this went on for 10 plus years. I too knew the first semester of college, I chose the wrong path but kept going due to many reasons. Until one day, I said enough was enough, I knew I needed to change. I made it my mission to get in touch with my younger self and my inner voice and made authenticity my religion. I applaud your bravery. Blessings to you!

    Like

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