Who I Am Today

In order to provide any insight on who I am today, I need to pay homage to who I was, and who I had become.

I was –

a happy kid, a dreamer, curious, fidgety, dramatic, creative, engaged, fearless, loving and oh so loved. I had dreams, big dreams. I wanted to spread positivity, create change in people’s hearts and in turn the whole world. I believed in myself, that I was capable. I trusted in my motivations, and I saw no obstacles.

Graduating high school, like many before me, I chose the path that I thought was right, rather than the path that was right for me.

In my first year, my gut knew that this path was not mine, but I didn’t see another. My parents were supportive, encouraging me to pursue what made me happy. I just wanted to pursue what I had deemed to be right. So I did, and I became a lawyer.

But, my gut knew. It wasn’t for me, it was not my path. I hated myself for not being happy, I hated myself for not having the right answers. What else could I do? How else could I make money? I had what it took to be a great lawyer. I wondered what was wrong with me. All my friends were unhappy in their respective professions so why was I so bad at being unhappy? For a while, I ignored my gut so well, belittled myself so much, all in a fiscal attempt to convince myself that what I was feeling, was simply part of the often shared human experience.

That’s when I became – 

unhappy, unhealthy, unsure, lost, fearful, anxious, dismissive, unkind to self, and at times, those around me. I doubted my capabilities. My dreams, I stifled them – for, their presence only reminded me of my alleged failures. I no longer knew my motivations, and saw only obstacles. 

My gut would try to reach out, but I was quick to reject its advances. I started to sink deeper into this person I had become, for a while, making home in the depths of my self induced despair.

I had become a high functioning, successful unhappy professional. I was great at it. I would cry in my car, enter the office and excel throughout the day. Only to then cry again as I got back in the car at the end of the day. Strange thing to become good at. I thought my unhappiness was a sign of my own weakness, at not being able to “hack” real life. The deeper I sank.

During this time, I had stopped writing, only intermittently spilling superficial words, where truth ought to be. I wasn’t ready to confront any of it. To think that I’d been on a path for so long, that may never have been mine to begin with, was difficult.

I’ve been asked, how I pulled myself out of this. It’s something that I know will take far more self learning to be able to articulate with justice.

All I remember, is how tired I was. I was tired of fighting. My gut, my Self, my power, my light, my unhappiness, my absolute truth. It wasn’t working, so I had to try something different.

I stopped fighting, I began listening to my Self. I confronted some deep seeded truths and started to accept. Then, my ego decided it would loosen its grip off me. 

I began to own my truth, and my story so far. Without shame, without judgement, with only love. I made a decision to then move forward, to start creating my own path, consciously, no longer believing it to be pre-determined.

So, this brings me to who I am today – 

My name is Shruti.

I am a former lawyer, a seeker, a dreamer. I’m curious, fidgety, dramatic, creative, engaged, fearless, loving and oh so loved. I have big dreams. I want to spread positivity, create change in people’s hearts and in turn the whole world. I believe in myself, that I am capable, I trust in my motivations, and I do see obstacles, but one that I believe I can overcome.

I am happy.

And, I’m also a writer – from here on in, writing the rest of my story.

 

photograph – the Kathmandu Valley, July 2017

 

 

 

 

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115 thoughts on “Who I Am Today

  1. This really resonated with me, especially the part about not writing when you were being untrue to yourself. I’ve experienced the same. It is almost as if my mind knows not commit the inauthentic me to paper. I am always my most creative when I’m living my truth. I’m happy that you’ve un-become all that you were not meant to be and that you’re moving toward a more free, authentic version of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s so amazing when you hear of others experiencing such similar moments, thank you for sharing. I look back now on those years and am absolutely gobsmacked as to how empty the pages of my notebook were. I identified as a writer, yet barely wrote.

      Now, after having committed to discovering my truth, I find myself comforted by my words. Even if they don’t always show up, I do, at my desk, every day, fighting through the resistance. Thank you Jilian, you’re such a wonderful writer. You string together words in such a beautiful way. Thank you and please do keep sharing your stories and advice. It’s in the stories of others that I draw the most inspiration. xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! Girl you really made a big change in your life. So happy you survived being a lawyer. Thank you for leaving a positive comment about my blog. At my age (a baby boomer) I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, but the difference now, for me, is that I am enjoying the process of trying figure it out and think I am getting closer every day.
    Blessings,
    EA

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! It’s taken 10 years to muster up the courage but it’s been so worth the ride. It’s so wonderful to hear that you are now enjoying the process. I too, am trying to get to a place where I not just enjoy the process, but I can respect it. Because recently I’ve realised that I am someone who has (and will mostly likely always have) this incessant desire to try different things. I’m simply interested in too much! So, I hope I’m always yearning to be something when I grow up!

      Thank you so much for sharing your insight. I appreciate it so much, for it inspires and encourages me on my own journey.

      Take care,

      Shruti x

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Although I certainly don’t always feel positive, I do my very best to push through. My Self has gotten me this far, I owe it to her to keep going!! Thank you so much for your kindness xxx

      Like

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