When I Committed (Finally)

In the past couple of months, I’ve not only been letting go, but letting it be, accepting all that was, and all that is no longer.

The focus then shifted upon me and my Self, and our relationship. I have for so long rejected my Self. Stifling, dismissing, her dreams, her aspirations, her desires, her potential. But in the depths of my Self, there’s resided a knowing. My soul’s compass, unwavering, so gentle in its commitment to guide me to my undeniable truth. It’s been there, when I was at school, university, when I became a lawyer, when I became unhappy. Resolute, my knowing has relentlessly whispered my dreams, my own truths back to me – you are not living your life.

I got busy, drowning myself in work, in order to drown the voices. I was building a career, a reputation, making money, I had responsibilities, my dreams no longer had a place.

But my knowing, it was not mildly deterred. Even when a year ago, my life and all I knew it to be, was completely shattered, my knowing not only remained intact, but its voice grew louder. Some people may name it their ‘calling’, mine was starting to scream.

As I let go off another, I sank into the loving embrace of my own Self. It was there I began to heal, to listen, to understand, and to love. I realised how long I had contained my truth, how unkind, how dismissive I had become of it, how I had grown to despise who I was, at my greatest depths. I was devastated and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I deserved to be loved as I truely am, first and foremost, by me.

After a year reacquainting and listening to the teachings of my own true self, I knew what I had to do. I made a decision to commit, whole heartedly, unapologetically to who I really am, and who I’ve always been. I didn’t have all the answers, I still don’t, and I no longer need them, just knowing is enough for me.

Eight weeks ago, I resigned. From my full time job, from the path I had deemed right, but I knew wasn’t right for me. I’ve quit before, and in the past, as a quitter there’s been a self induced notion that I must be a committment-phobe. But this time, for the first time, I wasn’t quitting, I was committing –  letting go of who I am not, in order to devote myself to who I know I am, and who I wish to become.

Last week, I  travelled from my homeland Australia, here, to Nepal, my motherland. I don’t know her as well as I should, having only been in her loving embrace for fleeting family visits. I’m 28 now, it’s just simply time.

This is what I want, it’s what I’ve always known I’ve wanted.

I’ve been afraid to take this leap, but it is something I must do. It’s been calling out to me for years, so gentle in its endeavour to be heard, it was time I listened.

For the next year or so, I will fulfil one of my greatest desires. To know my story, to tell it, through the mountains, the valleys, the rivers, the cities, and its people. From my father’s to my mother’s story – for mine, is unwritten without theirs.

My 18 year old self feels so relieved that she is on the path that she had always dreamed of, and known to be hers. My 28 year old self is no longer afraid to fail. I have made a promise, that I will always listen. I know, no matter what, my Self and I will be okay. Heck, we may even thrive.

As I take a leap into the complete unknown, I am accompanied, by my oldest, most trusted companion, my knowing. And for the first time, in as long as I can remember, I can truely say, that I know, here, is exactly where I am supposed to be.

Thank you for supporting my words, my unfiltered truths, so far. I am so grateful for you all.

x

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61 thoughts on “When I Committed (Finally)

  1. Very beautiful. It is truly wonderful to see the young follow their dreams, as you put it, your knowing. I wish you well on your journey. May you find inner peace and happiness as you travel that road. May you delight in each new twist and turn and discover even more of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Love and light to you as you begin this next chapter.
    Such a joy to see you connecting with yourself and recognising this now.
    Some of us have taken a while longer.

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  3. Not too many people can take such a leap. I wish I have done so myself when I was younger and had more pages left on my life calendar. You are courageous and who you are has nothing to do with career or money. You will find your way more clear than ever, just keep your head high and your heart strong β™₯

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Such generous words, thank you Hector. I really appreciate your support and encouragement. It’s never too late to seek Hector. Some of us may not be able to take such a grande leap as I have done, but I know for me, I am only here because of the small steps I made in the beginning. Let’s never forget how powerful those tiny steps can be. Thank you again πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so kind, thank you. It certainly seems we are in the same boat! I read of your journey so far too, it’s such an exciting time for you Michelle! Best of luck and I look forward to following you, reading of your discoveries along the way. Good on you! Power to us! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m on the same journey, looking for the same answers and I wish you well! Quitting my career was the biggest thing I’ve done so far but it’s worth it!

    You’re a good writer, keep it up 😊

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    1. One’s own journey can often feel isolating. It’s so wonderful to know there are others that can relate, thank you for reaching out. I’m so happy to hear you say it was all worth it. I share your sentiment.
      Thank you for the support, I appreciate it and best of luck on your journey! 😊

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  5. Beautiful! You articulate this feeling really well. I was made redundant last summer and even though it was so hard it freed me so much from a lot of my anxieties about not failing and having to do well at everything everyone thought I should do well at. I’m now in a much better job and I think I know myself a lot better too, because I’ve faced all those fears and uncertainties and embraced my own definitions of success and failure, not other people’s.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story Bella. Your perspective is just wonderful – that even when things breakdown, a breakthrough might be just around the corner. It’s amazing that you took control in order to define for yourself the aspects of life that are so easily influenced by others. How empowering and incredibly inspiring. I am very happy for you Bella, thank you again for sharing xx

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  6. What an awe inspiring post. I know it takes a lot of courage and will power to finally face our true self and reveal it to the world but it’s worth all that we gave up. For in being true to ourselves, we found happiness beyond compare.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is truly such a beautiful insight, so eloquent, thank you. Our true selves have so much to tell us, much of which is difficult to hear. It’s absolutely worth it, to build my life on my truths rather than my falsehoods. The foundation of my story now feels much stronger. Thank you again, you are an incredible writer.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Happy travels to you on your journey SHESASEEKER. I like what you are writing about. My situation is similar.

    I hope you and your companion get to know your story. I look forward to reading what you choose to share.

    Godspeed

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ve been through the same thing that you’re going through now. I worked at a job I hated for 15 years and then I got fired and after that I became homeless and while I was homeless I had a lot of time to think and I realize that I didn’t ever want to do anything like that again for money. I asked myself what do I really want to do and the answer came and now I am doing exactly what I want to do and it’s not like work at all it’s like fun. I know it’s really scary at first but just have faith that everything will work out and it will. But first ask yourself some questions. What would I do if I won the lottery tomorrow? What do I love doing? Good luck dear!

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    1. What a wonderful insight, thank you so much. You can easily feel very alone in this experience. Thank you for sharing your story to let me and readers know that there are others who have tread on the path we are on, or may be embarking upon. I am so happy to hear that you found what you were looking for. You have such resolve, perseverance and courage! Thank you so much for your support and encouragement.

      Wishing you continued happiness.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. This is beautiful. It takes a lot of courage to take a step back from the routine and life you are used to and to really assess it. I am sure you have done the right thing and wish you luck on your journey! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. It’s been quite an adjustment but I’ve never felt so clear and sure. It’s overwhelming, but what a beautiful experience it has been. Thank you, best of luck to you on your journey also xxx

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  10. I’m glad to hear you’re doing so well.l wanted to tell you about a book that helped me on my journey. It’s called “The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. I think it would really benefit you. Have a great week.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your support and I appreciate the suggestion. I love the way in which some books conspire to be a part of our lives. I will certainly have a look at it. Take care, thank you again.

      Like

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