When it happened, my friends, even his parents, they asked me, how? How could he have loved you so? They saw it, the mutual respect, the admiration, the happiness. How could he have done so much, said all those things? They heard it, said with such resolute. When? When did it all dissipate? When did he know? What was the reasoning behind it? Why, when it all seemed so real?
I had no answers. All I could say was, “while it may have been then, it was no longer.” When he made his decision, I was proud of him, of us. He was courageous enough to just let me go, sharing with me one’s most precious commodity – honesty. He never said the words, but his eyes spoke of his vacancy, an emptiness, as I’d never seen. I wondered how long he’d been gone. Maybe if I’d just noticed earlier, I could have searched for him, brought him back home. But, it was too late, and I knew it instantly. He was gone.
So what of those four years? What’s left after he leaves? I held on to anything. Fiercely. I had lived it, received it, felt it. The love. I held on to it, even after having let him go. As it was bound to happen, it did so, gradually, things started to go missing. Memories next to the kitchen, when maybe they had happened by the laundry. Then, big chunks of time, plans, ideas, promises, one by one, they departed. But, I still remained, accompanied only by these fleeting, displaced moments in time.
Tonight is difficult yet feels so right. I’ve realised something. Even though, a day after he shared his honesty with me, I packed up and moved interstate, I had yet to completely vacate “us”. Now, tonight, at 2am, I am ready. The us, we, ours, they, they have now all left, a week shy of a year after he did. Now, it’s time for me to do the same.
I’m leaving, I make sure to close the door firmly behind me. I take with me, all that remains, me, just my Self, accepting, healed, evolved. It is my Self, that I can always trust, it is to my Self, that I will remain forever committed.
Now, I am moving forward, continuing on the path that’s always been mine.
Thank you H, for what was, and what is no longer – from the deepest of deep.
photograph: The Redwoods, Victoria, Australia.