For the majority of the past four years, I haven’t been easy to love. Not because I wasn’t deserving of it, but because I had convinced myself that I wasn’t. I existed in a self induced isolation, the perfect setting to indulge in self loathing. I didn’t directly push people away, I simply made it more difficult for them to be around me. I had so little to offer them, by way of energy, time, and attention. I felt hopeless, faithless, and joy, well I could no longer recall such a feeling. It wasn’t a good place to be in.
On a daily basis I would struggle. It started with meeting up with people. I would make excuses for why I couldn’t make it, to only sit at home and watch movies like a zombie, accompanied only by anxiety. Soon enough my anxiety became so monstrous, that getting out of bed became my biggest challenge. I was immobile. I didn’t seek help, I hated doing that.
If others knew this about me, they would find it hard to believe. You’re the happiest person I know, they would say, and they’d be right. I’ve always been the happy one, I’ve always helped others see the silver lining. So, at first I found it difficult to seek help, but, I did, because I knew I had to.
Then there was this relationship, it was perfect, he was perfect. Yet, I didn’t believe him, I didn’t trust his love. How could he love me? The me, so often hopeless and broken, barely holding myself together. Yet he did, time and time again, the best of me and the worst, he loved me. I wanted to be perfect for him, and I was anything but. To him, I am grateful.
I’m still figuring it out, and I’m okay with the fact that I will always be doing so. What I know for sure, is that I am no longer in that place. There is now light in my darkness. Of course, I still have my battles, as we all do, but I now know how to fight them. With perspective, compassion, love and empathy, towards my Self. Because now I believe, that I am deserving.
Well done
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Thank you Zaira x
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Awesome! It’s a battle but we all deserve love. Great read!
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Thank you for reading hun x
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Our battle never really ends but it’s good to have confidence that we deserve it and know that life is a gift to befriend.
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Very powerful and absolutely beautiful.
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Thank you so much.
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Love this so much! Good job
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Thank you for reading, I appreciate it.
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You are so strong! Keep fighting it! P.S. I love your pictures
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Thank you hun, I appreciate it. I know you’re only two posts in, but I am getting a really great vibe from your blog, I think it’s going to be wonderful! Keep it up! X
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It is amazing how hard it is to love ourselves. Is it because we are taught that loving ourselves is a sin. Anyway, I want to thank you for letting me know you liked, “Grass roof and mud floor” on https://reflixtions.wordpress.com. – I shall be following you. Does that constitute electronic stalking?
Thanks again and Aloha – Percy Ardent
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Thank you for your honesty, and your integrity. I have taken the liberty of sharing this post.
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Thank you so much for your support, I appreciate it.
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Greetings! 🙂
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Totally relatable. 🙏
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Thank you for reading Jen x
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I’m glad u have found your light!!
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It’s a continued journey, but there’s certainly more light than ever. Thank you so much.
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Inspiring!
I also struggle with anxiety so it’s nice to see someone else’s perspective on love and acceptance 🙂
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It’s an ongoing struggle, although it may not be as consuming now, anxiety is something I know I will always have to manage as it’s a part of me. Thank you so much for reading, take care.
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Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.
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Thank you for reading x
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Visceral and so relatable. x
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Thank you, your words the same. When my words had all but tried up (well so I thought) my friend had said to me, “write, writer.” I look forward to reading more of your words. They are just beautiful. X
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Outstanding words of honesty. That was a not only a great read but also a relatable one. Thank you for being so brave to share your heart and words.
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Thank you darling, thank you for sharing your words with such ease. You’ve got a beautiful thing going, I look forward to reading more x
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Absolutely love this. So relatable… So many people’s truth. Love it_So glad you found your light hun xx
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Thank you, ah the journey continues but life sure has become brighter. Thank you darling xxx
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I know those feelings well. It’s a blessing that a rare few can accept us, when we cannot/could not yet accept ourselves.
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How grateful I am that those few still do accepted me. So much truth in your words, thank you.
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This was very well written – thank you for posting it. I haven’t had the pleasure of reading all your posts yet, but I do hope to hear how you got past this. Thanks
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Thank you for visiting. I’m slowly figuring my way past it. So far, my search for love has turned inward. I can feel it’s exactly what I’ve been yearning for.
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TBH I guess I am writing this post. Whatever you said, is ditto happened to me.
I can’t say more what else is the similarity, but it’s the same.
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It’s amazing how our own stories can resonate in the words of others. Thank you for sharing. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
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Thanks and you too.
Yes it’s surprising, I guess that age bracket might have something to do, where we are finding ourselves to be lost!
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If you go to my blog home page, you will find that what you wrote was the basis of finding myself
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This post is so brave. I was the same way, just because you can bring joy to others doesn’t mean you are not depressed. It’s just makes you more empathetic.
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Thank you. Power to you on your journey.
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This resonates with me. Like you I spent a great many years in that loveless place trying to come to terms with so much hurt. Self love is the basis of all love really ❤
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Power to you for persevering, to find insight where hindsight usually resides. No truer words spoken, self love trumps all, 💗💗💗
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I love your honesty. Beautiful post!
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Thank you, I really appreciate it.
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This is such an inspiring post and serves as another example that dark times are not forever! Thanks for sharing such a personal part of your story:-)
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Thank you Angela for such thoughtful words. When I went through the darkness, my loved ones would tell me that it would pass. But it’s hard to believe until you travel through and out the other end on your own. It did pass, and I grew so much having experienced it. Thank you for reading x
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Thanks for sharing, I feel we can relate to this in some way. There will always be dark but the sun will shine again. Thanks also for the ‘like’ on my post. I’m catching up on reading and am a few months’ behind. Peace and blessings! 🙂
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Thank you, I appreciate it 😊
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Reblogged this on Post College Girl.
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What helped you? I’m currently suffering really badly anxiety. This is the first time It’s reached this level. I need all the help I can get. Xx
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Hi honey, I’ve emailed you xxx
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